CLAY AND WATTLES

Big Soft Black Hole

Numb. I actually feel that soft black hole around me, in front of me, and it especially becomes real when I think about Teri, which is all the time. Like last night's Chamber meeting. The tribute to her was wonderful; and it was all I could do to sit there and act like a civilized person and not salt my chicken salad with tears. My head filled up with them; my nose dripped with them and I actually managed to remain normal looking - I think. I didn't have to get up and run out. I didn't blow my nose noisily. I didn't look at anyone. At least no one asked me if I were about to explode or implode.Thank goodness the room was darkened for the slide presentation, which included pictures of her in groups of people with the Ambassadors, at the crawfish supper, the picture they used from 2004 Christmas party, the picture of her with arms outstretched to heaven, that I made of her standing in front of the sunset on the beach. I just sat there stoically and politely dabbed at my nose with my napkin and all the time my heart was melting. She should have been there with Richard. We should have called each other to see what we would wear. She should have flitted all around that huge room talking to people. When I got home, I climbed into bed, read my Bible for a few minutes, then turned out the light and lay there trying to be sleepy, and the tears were backed up into my ears and I knew I couldn't risk another earache. I took part of an Ambien and grabbed the stuffed frog and finally went to sleep. Another day without her.