Letting Go... Letting Go??
I didn't cry last night until I got in the bed. I was sleepy, but as soon as I turned the light off, the memories started playing. I grabbed the frog and even it didn't help, so I got up and took a pinch of Ambien.
Tara and I email just about every day; we did today. I'm still printing our emails. I didn't see Richard at all yesterday, but we talked today about 401k, about eating out Friday night.
Emailing back and forth with Bren today I got an inkling (from her wise insights) of how life will be without Teri. She was so much a part of my life for so long, and I am thankful for that. I miss her, and my life, a lot of my feelings, and even habits will never be the same. She was central to that part of how I lived for 36 years. Now there is such an empty place, vacant place that she inhabited with her love for family and friends, her integrity, her loyalty, her silliness, just her being. Now she is not here and I have to learn to live a different way. I can tell I am different in some ways - quieter, less critical (sometimes), more compassionate (I hope), my faith is stronger, and I've become closer to Amy and to Teri's daughter Tara, who are both incredible young women.
The question arises: how does a woman help her best friend's husband? I can't do girlfriend things with Richard, for goodness sake! - like stopping by their house to talk as I did with Teri, or picking up the phone to chit-chat, or going to Sonic to split a Blast! Girlfriends do things like that! I know that. And that's part of the letting go as well, a different way of life. I feel I should (and want to) "take care of" Richard, be sure he is okay, console, draw him out, for Teri's sake and in her memory, for his sake and well-being. The Friday nights out will continue, I hope, because we can all go out to eat. Now everyone's emotions are still so near the surface and although I'm not crying as much as I was, it wouldn't take much. And I never want to forget. So I'll look at the pictures, email and talk to Tara, take cookies to Neall's office, see Richard at work. Maybe this will change later; for now I know he has to adjust and needs the space and time.Try to act normal, and not just really "goofy," as Teri would say. She would tell me, "Now, Patricia, you just have to be thankful for what you have, not what you don't have."
Today's Purpose Driven Life devotional that's emailed to me was about being here on this earth for as long as God has a purpose for us. That's an amazing thought and not a new one, but now that a life has passed, it presents a hard reality to face. So, okay - God's purpose for Teri on this earth was over?Okay... What about the criminals who live for years on death row, the serial murderers who are never caught, the terrorists who blow themselves up? What about children, babies? These are all fairly hypothetical questions, because I believe God is in control. But what about them anyway? Was Teri's purpose to bring joy to others? She did that. And was her brand of joy no longer needed? What is that all about?? What about those of us left without her? What was her ultimate purpose and why was it seemingly cut so short? Why do some people live to be 100, and others only a few hours old? Then there is the somewhat comforting thought that perhaps God has spared Teri from something in the future that He did not want her to have to endure.
There are so many questions that I ask in my heart even though I do believe God has a plan for every life. My heart is playing catch-up to all the years of Bible studies and sermons, and deep theological talks, and book facts that are stored in my head.It is not so easy to understand when it's someone so dear to you. I am finding more and more comfort in God's Word and trusting Him and letting Him comfort me.
In time there will be other habits, other ways of living; but never like there was with my sweet Teri.
Footnote: I dreamed last night (February 2) that I lost Teri's wedding ring.
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