THINGS GO ALONG

 Paul has managed to be outdoors a LOT and I'm very thankful.  His balance is not so good - he still uses the walker in the house and the rollater to get to the garage.  But it's so much better than it was, and I thank God for that.  It has helped that he's been on the riding mower.  It gets him where he wants to go and he can get on and off it nearby and do a lot in the yard.  Today he spread dirt on the notorious bare spot in the yard, sowed grass seeds and drove over it several time with the mower to pack it down.

We were supposed to go to Amish country this morning early, but rain was forecast so we postponed it.  No rain and no new date set.  But I felt so bad all day, I don't know if I would've made it.

I tried to organize in here - computer room, craft room - and there is just so much.  I know I'd rather collect the tools and gadgets than "do art."  But when I do time passes and it's good therapy.  A couple of Advil and a glass of iced tea helped today.  I shouldn't have either, but there you go.  Sit like a toad or put something in my tank to get me through some kind of fun.

I haven't done pictures in a long time.  For one thing I haven't felt like doing ANY of this.  And it used to be so easy.  Now I have about 16,000 pictures on my camera - a lot of them are book screen shots (to remember to read - right). Some are recipes; some are saved from facebook and from Amy.

The "girls" did go see Downton Abbey in Corinth/Malco.  Sher, Char, Bren and me.  Then Sher, Char and I went to the Iuka Drive-In to see Top Gun.  The sound comes through a radio station (98.9) and I could at least adjust the volume.  When it wasn't too late, because those jets are fast and the scenes change so quickly.

I tried downloading over 10,000 pictures, but something happened each time.  Nevertheless, I did get some of our "porch sittin'" we did at Bren's Sunday. But I can't find them now.  Well, it's different now and it's a shame.  I can see on my phone but it's not easy to put pictures with stories on here.  I've been "away" too long.

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

What is it I'm hearing here?  Paul has been on the phone for almost an hour with ML trying to get logged in and he and the rep are not communicating.  But this is the third time today I know that he's been on phone with them to try to get logged in.  Once I jumped in and got it working, but I'll be dang if I'm gonna jump in without him asking me.  He's been a bear and I sort of understand, but that's no excuse for him being terse, hateful, and unappreciative.  (I feel sorry for the rep.  For P, too...)  I just don't know how to help.  We set it up with face recognition log in and even that doesn't work for him.  Maybe it's the app?  Maybe it's something ML is doing/not doing?  

I saw Vicki today and asked her about Evenity.  She has a few patients on it and all have been okay.  My biggest concern was the warning about possible heart attacks and strokes.  Percentages are very low.  Still.  Infusion center told me Medicare and State Farm would cover the cost of it, as opposed to me having $600+ out of pocket for the Tymlos.  Evenity:  No cost, 12 injections (one a month), monthly trip to Tupelo.  Tymlos:  self injection once a day for 18 months.  Both probably transition to Prolia which is 1 shot every 6 months.  Will talk to Barbara P (NP I see for the osteo) again; also dentist, also Dr. Stone, cardiologist.  I'm thankful there are meds to help; it takes commitment on my part.  They can't be stopped because risk of fracture is even higher.

Our tempers all flared this evening.  Things were said that should not have been said.  Amy's feelings were hurt.  We are both feeling unappreciated. It'd be nice to hear.  A soft word, a hug.  A "thank you" that is not obligatory.  

I opted to get help with my depression, whatever it is that the last three years has so horrendously laid upon my soul.  I wish he would.  I know better.  He's always right.

Is this a trial by fire?  A trial of our faith?  I sure don't feel as if I have much, but I suppose every little bit helps.  I blow up then I am sorry.  Every time.  And  I ask God, "Why?"  And there is no answer except, "I Am."  And that should be enough and I don't understand Him or His plan.  I don't know what His plan is.  Should I?  Should I by now?  

Paul hurts, he's tired.  It's seems unlikely he will be strong again and it hurts me so to see him this way.  I just wish he were softer.  He really has never been what I'd call tender, but he seems to have withdrawn and hardened because of all that's happened to him.  I would have too.  I have done it.  It's a horrible pit to be in.  I am trying to slowly climb my way out.  Here I am 74 and no smarter than I was at 24.

I hear him telling the rep he was very helpful so please, Lord, let it work now.  

Monday, April 18, 2022

Just when I thought...

Reading last year's blog, as it were - short and grievous and thankful by turns or simultaneously.  

After May of last year this happened:

Paul had a prostate biopsy, blood clots in his bladder and was in the hospital in Tupelo for several days.

Amy got sick and was finally (weeks later) diagnosed with meningitis.  

About this time, Paul had a stroke.

His platelets have been unstable for months.

I hurt my back - 3 compression fractures.  DEXA scan showed osteoporosis.  Extreme pain for months.

Trying to take care of everyone including myself.

Seeing Amanda H.  Seroquel.  Increasing my neurontin because of legs swelling from being sedentary b/c of pain, nerve pain, restless legs.  Neurontin now 3 x a day instead of once.

My hair coming out.  

Anger!!

Today was intake at Timber Hills.  Sher went with me.  I like the counselor - Laycie.  She also does Christian counseling.  It helps to SAY things that have been haunting me for weeks and months - anger at God, depression, loss, helplessness, grief. there are ways to turn your anger into something creative.  (IE - the lady who breaks plates and uses the pieces in her mosaic art).  Some of my anger and cursing can be from medication.  I've wondered about that. Sadness.  Trying to and cant fix things, and accepting I can't fix things.  

Sher can go with me any time I need her to.  Medicare and State Farm are accepted.  I'm so glad I went.  There is a rope and I've managed to catch onto it.  God, help me hold on.

Monday, May 17, 2021

 

May 13, 2021

 Today we took Thelma to get her annual check up and shots.  (We couldn’t catch Lucy.)  We got in a room pretty quickly and Jenni came in right away.  Thelma needs her teeth cleaned.  She weighs almost nine pounds.  She has a good coat, clean ears (no mites).  

 Paul took Thelma to the truck (in her cage). I was alright until checkout.  I got Thelma’s dental appointment made, Lucy’s check-up made.  Michelle waited on me and had a call to take and while I was waiting for my receipt, there was the computer mouse pad on the counter.  It’s been there all along and is just there for a good pad to write on.  It has a shih tzu on it. 

 By the time I got to the truck the tears were coming.  By the time we got home I was in full blown crying mode and stayed outside till I could stop.  I had space to cry.

 I could see Oscar coming down the hall after grooming.  So happy and bouncy and knowing he looked good.  Oscar on the weigh table.  Oscar there for surgeries and check ups.  Oscar there for his monthly shot.  Oscar. 

 Recently Amy texted me that she feels the best part of her life is over since Dexter died.  I first started to admonish her. But I understand.  I realize it is the end of an era of your life.  There will never be another Oscar or Dexter. 

 Grief is grief.  I’m sure it isn’t only grief for people, but for pets, times of life, ends of eras, things that will never be the same way again. 

                                  GRIEF:      to be in pain, be sore, have pain, be sorrowful

                                   But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion

                                    according to the multitude of his mercies.  Lamentations 3:32

 Surely Jesus knows grief about pets.  Dogs had no value in His days on earth, but surely He cared for them because He made them!  Maybe there was one that stayed around the carpenter’s shop.  Maybe one followed Him and His disciples.  Maybe one was at the foot of the cross when its Master was there saving humankind.  He knows the times and seasons of our lives.  He knows every creature.  He knows our love for them and our care of them.  (Woe to those who mistreat!)  He knows the memories they invoke.  He knows their companionship to us.  He knows they bring us comfort.  Surely.

PS Since writing this Amy isn't sure if she's going to keep Noah.  I met him once when she was home Mother's Day and fell in love with him - little white chihuahua.  Another grief.  She may  not be ready and I understand that.  But it's like losing another dog.  And we can't have him.  I would, but Paul wouldn't.  

                                                 

Saturday, April 17, 2021

There is no excuse for not doing things I used to love.  I may have become 1) Lazy; 2) Complacent; 3) Depleted of all creativity; 4) Dry of any Spiritual Water.

During the last year of COVID it has become so easy to be lazy, wear pjs all day, bathe every other day, order groceries online, go to church online, sleep later, have no appointments other than doctors' and I try to make those for at least afternoon.  Complacency has taken root where I used to mind if things were in a mess or greasy or funky, now it seems not to make any difference.  Although I do have house help and she's wonderful. I have to say I did ask her to wash inside windows this past week.  (I washed all the sheers. Except for the two back room windows (my two rooms) - the windows that are so hard to get to.  I cleaned 2 chest drawers and finally unstacked a laundry basket of sweatshirts, old linens and pillows piled high.  Two weeks ago I cleaned in my computer room.  It's neater and looks better.  It seems I have to get all the "important" things done which really do not matter before I "feed my creativity and seek God for spiritual food.")

My dear sister is a whirling dervish of creative ideas - one of our brothers showed her how to miter corners to trim some cabinet doors and she did that for 14 doors.  She has painted her grandson and his dog's portrait for her daughter's birthday.  She and her 80 year old neighbor are building a rock wall (finding the rocks in the woods behind his house.)  And I sit and hurt and am fatigued. My sewing interest is hindered by aching, screaming hot pain in my mid back. I read, but my eyes are blurry.  My Oxervate eye drops treatment will be done in 3 days!  Then finish up with new glasses, hoping they help.  Hoping my eye nerve damage is healed. So, anyway, there are all these "health" things I deal with and don't feel like doing squat.  How did I not get any "energy genes," or "wellness genes."  Why did I have to take all these meds?  And I have no answer, except that God has a plan for me.  

I read FB group comments about Verse Mapping, Bible Journaling.  I like collecting all the "ingredients"- pens, notebooks, Bibles, sticky notes, highlighters.  Then no enthusiasm to do anything with them.  I'm just so tired.

I did go to Sunday School class lunch last week; there were 7 of us.  I realized how much I miss seeing them, and a structured Bible Study.  I miss Sunday School and church.  Though church, and I'm not being disrespectful and I don't mean to be dishonoring in any way, but preaching "at" me just makes me feel worse.  I already have enough trouble with false guilt as well as real sin guilt, and I just want to be "taught," not preached at in a loud voice.  So.  Maybe I'm just old - well I am that - but I just want peace and quiet.  I just want to be able to do the few things I enjoy and have enjoyed all my life - writing, reading, scribbling, doodling, quilting, sewing, playing at "art" in my own way.  

I'm angry a lot.  Anger and frustration are my constant states of mind.  Except when I go to Dear Sister's (DS).  Then I usually feel like myself, who I was before the fatigue, the pain, the complacency, the feeling of not being myself. Not always, but it seems as if my 17 year old self has come out of hiding and I don't feel the fatigue and pan.  (I do have it later when I get back home and my Naproxen has worn off).  I feel as if I've lost part of - a big part of - myself especially these last 2 years. P and I have aged so much in the last 2 years.  It's hard for him to work in the yard.  I can get up the back steps (4) better than he can; he's so out of breath.  His cancer treatment, Afib, my pacemaker, broken arm, horribly injured leg; losing our furbaby; losing our grand furbaby; losing a good bit of mobility.  

Okay.  So now here are some things to be grateful for:

I can type and keep a journal.

I can write.

I still have a love of words and all the accoutrements that go with writing, doodling.  So many pens, notebooks.  They are my toys.

I can drive.

I have Paul, Amy.

I can go to the grocery store.  Dollar General.  We've been out to eat a few times. 

We've had our COVID vaccinations.

Amy is in her new house.  (What a stressful time that was.)

I have so many good friends.

We have family nearby.

Why do I feel as if I've lost part of myself?  What part is that? Is it only the energy and the ability to work in the yard, for example?  To move, carry and lift things? To be able to walk for any distance?  To have balance and not feel as if I'm going to fall? (That's from falling and the accident in September, I'm sure; or a lot of it. Fear of falling.) To dread doing things because I won't feel like doing them?  Have the energy to do them? Have the breath to do them? I miss me.  I miss who I used to be.  I haven't accepted this old person who has moved into my body. I'm not comfortable with her.  I'm startled by her.  I look at my once beautiful eyes (I always thought my best feature) and now the lashes are short, they are tired and often red, and can't see like they used to.

OK

I still have the desire to search Scripture and study and learn. I know satan keeps me from doing that and other "lovely" things.

I still have the desire to want to play with paints, colors, pens, papers, journals.

Why am I waiting for perfection?  I won't be what I once was.  I won't every be as young as I was even a minute ago.  

I AM thankful for what I can do and who I used to be.

I just feel as if I've lost part of myself.

How do I feel whole again? Will I?  Yes, in Heaven.  I hope God has a zabillion colored pens and a stack of notebooks to the second universe.  And Oscar.  I want to see him there.  And Mama, Goobie, Papa, Teri, Richard, Mama Nick, Daddy Nick, Aunt Ginny, David.  And Jesus.

My whole body grieves the losses.  I suppose that's why I don't feel like myself.  So many parts of myself and who I was and whom I loved have already gone.  I have those empty spaces in my heart and soul.  I can see myself going down that hard road, experiencing the same losses they did, and it's hard to watch.  

Maybe the next time I show up here I'll have something more "uplifting" to write about.

15 minutes later:

And so, just like God, He shows up in a Bible passage:

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

MONDAY, MARCH 8, 2021

There has been too much happened in the last year to even write about, so I'll list this most trying year:

I had a pacemaker 5/6/2019

Paul had lung cancer and treatments July - September, 2019.  30 trips to Tupelo for radiation and 4 chemos.  Left his weak and so long to recover.

In March, 2020, he developed afib, and had to go to the hospital twice, exactly one week apart.  Now he takes one of the same meds I do.  The "black box" amiodarone.

In March, 2020, COVID hit and made everyone afraid of everything and everyone; closed down businesses, schools, churches. No one could (or should have) gone out to eat, go to church, have family gatherings.  Sports of all kinds was cancelled.  

In March, 2020, David died of brain atrophy.  Not the cancer, but the radiation killed his brain.

I'm sure things happened in the summer.  We stayed in and away from everyone.  Ordered groceries on line, picked up at the store.

July, 2020, David's memorial service.  There were hardly any funerals anywhere.  People delayed them or had families only at graveside.  Hospitals were over-run with Covid patients; to date (March, 2021) there has been at least 1/2 million Americans die from Covid.  

September 14, 2020 - I fell off the last two steps at the back door and broke my shoulder and banged my left leg up so bad it still is not completely healed.  Recovery, pain, hell, misery, screaming, crying.  After about 6 weeks, PT started for about 12 I think.  Then on the heels of that, wound clinic for my leg/hematoma that wouldn't heal.  

September 19, 2020 - had to put Oscar to sleep.  He was almost 16, blind, wouldn't go outside, had begun having neurological problems, wouldn't eat much.  It was time.  It was awful.  It was so hard.

Thanksgiving and Christmas - we didn't go to family gatherings.  We're the oldest and most vulnerable.  Sher and Amy were at our house.  We wore masks when we were near each other.  Six foot distancing was the norm.  Hand washing, Clorox wipes and toilet tissue could hardly be found (when it began; it was a little better by the end of the year).   

January 6, 2021 - Attack on the White House by rioters.  Didn't believe Biden had won the Presidency.  

From October through January we tried several times to buy a house in Memphis (helping Amy buy one) and at least 3 didn't turn out for various reasons.  Finally January 2 I think, we offered one in Vollintine/Evergreen part of Memphis and it was accepted.  All this was a challenge and was harder than it should have been. 

February 14 - ice storm for a week.  House signing delayed for 2nd time.

February 22, 2021 - signed for house.  

February 23, 2021 - she started moving.  Matt helped. She took a week's vacation after the ice storm, to move.

February 28, 2021 - finished moving

March 1, 2021 - Dexter died.  Enlarged heart he was being treated for.  She was not home and it has about killed her.

March 2, 2021 - Sher and I went to Memphis and got Dexter, brought him to our house and Mike dug his grave in our back yard.  Paul and I buried Dexter; Amy wanted him here.  It's still hard to believe he's "here."  She is devastated.

March 5, 2021 - Brenda nearly died - hospitalized because of sudden onset of UTI and E. coli.  Affected her heart.  We didn't know all this for a couple of days, how serious she was.

March 6, 2021 - I turned 73.  Lunch with Sher and she had painted Oscar's portrait.  I cried.

God has been near and far.  I have believed and disbelieved.  It has been so hard.  Now it is spring and the buttercups are blooming. I don't know what else to write about the past year.  It has been hard, devastating for so many.  We are still here and I'm thankful.  I'm still trying to walk balanced; I watch every step.  Paul gets out of breath so easy.  Getting old is not for sissies.  It's true.

I may have pictures.  It depends on my mood.  

JUST ABOUT DONE... I THINK

I bought the last two money gift card holders today, did shopping for Angel Tree child (boy), got gas in the blowing wind, returned the movie (The Art of Racing in the Rain) to the library.  Maybe? I can slow down a bit, though I think I did okay - had two bad days from overdoing. 

Oscar was 15 yesterday and got many birthday wishes and "likes" on FB  Sher has done her part on the Sparks model gingerbread house.  Charlotte, Sher and I watched the above movie yesterday afternoon.  It was sad, but "wise." Also Love Story with a Dog.

At 5:00 I'm meeting Brenda I at Farm House so we can go do our Christmas Under the Stars.  The Welches onWhitehouse Road.  Hope I can get a decent picture.  

Just ready to sit back, watch Hallmark Christmas movies roll off the reels, same story, same decor, same boy/girl situation.  Sometimes a dog.  Most often a child.  Christmas pageant or some conflict they have to resolve.  It's pretty mindless but now that's what I need.

Paul talked to Dr. Montgomery's office this morning.  They did not actually tell him the results of last week's blood test (platelets), but want him to have another one Wednesday and see Dr. M on the 17th.  

His hair is growing back and the side that wants to grow sideways is growing sideways.  I have to trim it and get him to put mousse on it.  Something.  "I don't tell you how to cut your hair," he said.  "Well, we're not having shagging over the ears," I told him back.  

In church yesterday there were two songs that made me cry and I can't recall the name of either of them.  One was about letting your candle glow; the other about loving the people God sends you.  They won't always be there.  I need to watch Lampoon's Christmas Vacation; Planes, Trains and Automobiles; Christmas Story; White Christmas; Home Alone.  Anything funny.  And I need to make doll quilts if I'm going to for Shiloh (12/15) and Addilyn (12/28).  

Our tree.  I wrote on FB that it is so old it's losing its needles.  Amy said "It has become a Real Tree, like the Velveteen Rabbit.  Some lights are out.  I ordered some from Amazon; should have gotten 2 strands. If I need another, they should be here fast.  I ordered the one strand Saturday and they're supposed to be here today.

Happy Birthday, Oscar!!  #15 - You are a good little boy.  

SS class breakfast in the fellowship hall.  L-R: Emily, Linda, Charlotte (seated), Caffie, Beverly, Becky, Kay (hidden), Jackie, Nancy.

Sher hard at work at JC's desk working on gingerbread house assembly.  She really did work hard on this.  Lots of hours and imagination.

Our newest family member, Wendell.  Jen said he wasn't real impressed with Santa.

What I got for my Angel Tree boy ($100).  I thought I did well.  It's everything that was on his list, plus a pair of gloves.

SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS...

...and what have you done.  
Another year over,
A new one just begin.

So much has happened in the last year.  It's too much to write in detail, but I'll summarize.

May 6 I had a pacemaker implanted.  My heart now beats about 64 to 100 depending on activity, instead of 47-50 whether I was doing anything or not. I drug myself around.  I was finally convinced by Dr. Johnson that I would feel better.  And I do!  I have so much more energy!  I still have pain and down days. But a pacemaker won't exactly turn back the clock.  It just keeps your pace...

In June Paul was told he had lung cancer.  After scans, PET scan and other tests, treatments began August 6.  The last radiation was September 17 or 18.  Along with this he had four chemo treatments.  All in Tupelo.  30 trips an hour and a half each way for a 10 minute radiation.  The chemo part took all day on 4 Fridays.  Subsequent x-rays and scans show the tumor is gone!  Praise God!  This week he learned his platelets are very low, but could be the result of antibiotic he took.  The doctor prescribed steroids - 40 mg twice a day.  Another blood work-up today and the doctor will call hopefully Monday. It was Stage 2, very small.  It was called Stage 2 because of a suspicious lymph node toward the center of his chest in the lung.  The main tumor was the size of the end of the little finger.  Because of the lymph node, the chemo was given.  He hasn't fully recovered from all the side effects; the doctor said it could be 6 months.  Short of breath with exertion, like coming up our four back steps.

We have been blessed even in the midst of trials, melt-downs, anxiety, fear, unknowns.  A day at a time.  I still have "challenges" with pain, with being on an even keel, with keeping my composure on bad days.  Someone told me recently I complain all the time.  "I do not!"  But, yes, I do.  I'm trying to deal with back pain, digestive problems, swelled ankles and feet and resulting pain, keeping a good attitude.  But I thank God for the strength I need for each day to do what needs to be done.  I've done things I never would have thought possible.  Faced my fears and anxiety and pulled up my BGPs. I know if I stay in God's Word I'm better, more sane, more yielding, more accepting.  It's a struggle, too.  I've come to accept not only the holiness but the humanity of Jesus.  It was an eye opener.  He knows our struggles.  He was and is the human God-head.  I hope I'm saying that right and with respect and reverence.  He knows.    

Having Sher here has been great.  Nothing like having a sister near you, 14 miles away when all our adult lives shes been overseas or 600-800 miles away.  

We have Oscar, who will be 15 day after tomorrow.  Independent, stubborn.  Aches and pains like his old humans.  Doesn't play any more.  Sleeps a lot.  Always ready for breakfast and supper and anything he can get between.  My baby.  And the kitties, Thelma and Lucy - both 10 years old... So loving and home kitties.  Inside a lot in the winter.  In the garage which is heated just for them at night.  

David is doing as well as can be expected.  Which isn't real well.  His balance, memory and not good.  Just in September he drove Paul to Tupelo 3 times.  Now I don't think he could do that.  So heartbreaking.

I've been to two movies, which I wouldn't have attempted before the pacemaker.  The noise and sudden light flashes bother me.  But I try to wait till the previews are finished before going inside.  We saw "Downton Abbey" and "Mary Poppins" (new one) this year.  

Amy is doing fine.  Coming to terms with relationship.  More at peace.  That means everything.  

So this may be the last one till next Christmas, but I hope I can get something down at least every week, hopefully more often.

I do have a life and I'm thankful.  I'm forgetful at times.  At least some memories will be here.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

 Angel wing geranium from Laura Lee H at November's Club meeting.  She did the program on Art.  She loves plants and had dozens she had propagated.  Each member got a plant. Very generous and a lot of work.

I added a roll of ribbon I've had for ages.  Turned out well.  Charlotte's dad Clay W made the wagon years ago. A good place for the poinsettias.

AND IT'S MID-JANUARY

I guess I've been fairly busy; the weather hasn't been agreeable most days, but there's been some sun.  

Family was here for Sher's retirement/welcome home get-together January 6.  Amy couldn't come, nor Morgan and family.  Jordan came for a short visit and ate before everyone got there, but stayed to greet most before leaving.  It was a nice little party - I made hamburgers, hot dogs; Marsha made potato salad; chips, soft drinks.  Even a little champagne to celebrate.  

Not everyone has a Brigadier General sign their "going away" photo of the Pentagon.  She worked really hard and took many "red pills" to achieve what she did.  I'm very proud of her.

Tuesday - a sweet addition.

Steve's friend Ramona.

Sher and I went to Needle Chasers on Monday; I paid my membership dues for this year.  Sher was going to "wait and see." There are other groups she had wanted to check out. 

I finally did some de-cluttering in the "office," going through old unused greeting cards (some at least 10 years old), and donated them to the elementary school for a pen pal project.  Old fabric strips and a couple of larger pieces will go to the quilt guilid.  Charlotte and I went to Corinth the next day and I go a new Fossil purse and a sweater on sale.  Together they were $88.00 something and I had a $50 gift card.  So that was a bargain.  It had been a $200 purse!  We stopped at Sher's to see what all she'd done to the house.  Making progress, not as many boxes and being creative with storage space, really only one usable closet.  The stair-closet (to the attic) which is about the size of a Kleenex box.  But she'll have some way to use it.  

Paul went for his routine cardio check-up and it was good.  He goes to Tupelo.  I didn't go this time; he said no need.  Last time I went and sat at the urologist's office my back was killing me.  This same day was the club meeting and I filled in for Vicki.  

The 11th I went for lunch at Sher's.  I don't remember which day she told me she had taken a job!!  Just retired and now going back to work.  So there goes my art lessons, my trip to Florida...  Anyway, she's going to work as receptionist for Sparks.  Will be really busy during tax season.  Heath said she's way over-qualified, but I think if she can handle government budget work, she can handle answering the phone and scheduling their appointments.  The next day (Saturday) she left for Melanie's and their time together; a mini-vacation and trip to PC to check on her house.  

I don't sleep well, and Sunday of last week I stayed home and slept till after 10:00.  I ordered a Lucid gel foam mattress pad (4") which is airing out and fluffing up in the garage.  Probably can't get the top sheet over it.  It's a twin, though. Paul said he didn't want any other surface - that foam gel tends to make you hot.  This one sounded as if it won't be so bad.  Had good ratings.  The last 2-3 nights I've slept better.  Last night we went to Car Club and ate supper; sitting on the hard chair didn't help, but eventually my back and legs settled down.  

My old JVD CD player quit on me.  One minute it played and the next it wouldn't  There are 6 slots, and they would change, but none of them would play.  I hope it's that little laser eye.  Paul and I took it to a vintage repairman Wednesday.  He had tons of old turntables and old stereo systems - a hobby of his since he was a teenager.  He lives out of Rienzi, which is to say in the way out country, but about 8 miles from Corinth and we returned that way since the road wasn't so curvy.  

I made This Is Us albums for all 4 of us - our group pictures - as many as I could find - from the one in 1960 (me, Mike, Sher and Mickey the goat - in the house) to the one in 2019 - at Sher's party on the 6th.  I thought I'd put a lot of them together in one album but couldn't fine it, so I searched through pictures on the PC and found most.  There were 2 or 3 years we missed, but not many.  They really began around 2002.  The previous years were most of the time Sher was living overseas, so I think around 2002 is when we started.  

This actually looks a lot better than it did.  I have walking space now and can open the door of the cabinet!

Paul has gone to get the oil changed in my truck, go to the bank and dump the old blinds I took off from Sher's.  I think we'll eat at Cracker Barrell tonight  - I need a veggie plate really bad.

Oh, and I ordered this puzzle today.  Odd thing is, Sher and I both got the subscription email and I just loved it.  She forwarded it to me.  Great minds think alike.  It's "only" 750 pieces. This reminds me of one I had in high school, though this one is older.  Should be fun.  Now that the dining table is cleared off I can mess it up again with this.

HAPPY NEW 2019!

Sher is home, home, home!  Today (1-4-2019) she's working on her house, Glen Cottage.  Moving furniture around in that tine space, but it'll look like a doll house once she's finished.  She spent the night with us the first and second, her house last night, and is working into the evening today.  The two nights she was here we watched two slapstick funny movies - I sorely need the belly laughs and realize how good it is to watch a funny movie with someone who gets as tickled as me!  "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," Steve Martin and John Candy; "Christmas Vacation," Chevy Chase, Randy Quaid.  I'd already watched both of them in the last couple of weeks.  We also got caught up on "The Young and the Restless," her soap, her escape from reality after a day's work.  She's been watching it 40 years.  Everyone has been married to everyone else at least once.  Now Nicki is in a coma in the hospital...  I could accidentally get interested in it if I let myself.  For a while, she'll be here occasionally to catch up since she won't have TV service for a bit.

Yesterday I lost my mind temporarily over getting locked out of my ATT account.  Long story.  But I got an appointment for this morning and the young man got it all fixed up again.  Love tech when it works, go insane when it doesn't.  Paul and I also went to Wally World for coffee, peanut butter, chips, tomatoes, onions, etc. Some items for the Welcome Home/Retirement party for Sher Sunday.  Family invited; hamburgers, hot dogs.  Marsha's bringing potato salad; I'll open a couple big cans of baked beans.  

New Year's Eve Paul and I went to Tommy and Carol's for NYE party.  So much fun - played games (Apples to Apples and a pictionary version of gossip).  Laughed so much.  See my rose cheeks?  I look so like my cousin Patsy here.  Carol on the left, Sandra on the right.  David in the far right background.

I got my 2017-2018 blog ordered today.  I hardly wrote in 2017 and not as much as usual last year.

Something I wrote around Thanksgiving.  One of my bad days, but goals to try for. I've already blown a lot of them.  But I've also done several!

Increasingly carrying around the weight of an Old Woman who is trying to obliterate the real me. Pain, fatigue and a bad attitude, critical and sometimes blasphemous thought life are what I carry around like a weight attached to my back, legs, neck, brain, body. Instead of using good energy for productive things, mine is used so often for keeping the Old Woman under control. She is so heavy, sad, critical, unhelpful, doubtful, even very lazy at times, undecided and forgetful. A sour heart at times. I say I won’t give up. Give up what? She is a formidable enemy. How can I think “creatively” when all I think about is how to make the pain stop, how to keep up with necessary duties, household chores, being with people, how much she will allow me to do, if I’ll get a fair to good night’s sleep? Measuring my energy out in spoonfuls. Socializing is exhausting at times. Wondering how long I’m able to stay up, how far I can travel, how often I can commit. Lights and noise bombard the Old Woman making it impossible to go to a movie theater. Bitterness is always ready to rear it’s ugly head with sharp and sarcastic words. Self criticism and being critical and short tempered with Paul especially.

What can I do?

Pray

Be in God’s Word

Meditate

Stop apologizing

Give my bitterness to God, who wants it (imagine that. But it’s true)

Ask Him for transitional/accepting grace.

Do what I can and stop worrying and fretting over what I can’t

Stop expecting ppl to understand unless they have been there

Don’t list complaints to everyone

Create-sew, draw, color, paint, play with paper, scrapbook, take pictures, do calligraphy, free motion quilting, Farmers Wife

Read good books, all the ones I missed, re-read others I loved as a child

Exercise as much as possible

Eat more healthy

Take Advil if I need and stop worrying about side effects

Drink water

Stop fighting something for nerves & take it before my legs and back spasms (sleeplessness) makes me cry and frantic

Declutter

Watch funny movies

Be my own person and don’t compare

Be thankful

Do something for someone even a card often

Stay off iPhone more

Don’t listen to “news”

Enjoy nature even from my windows

Listen to music

Grieve when necessary but don’t stay in it

Be thankful for what I did have and what I still have

Write, journal

Stay in touch with old friends

Love my family

Push through the tiredness when I can but know when to rest and know it’s okay to do both

So we are blessed to be here in this new year.  Look for the "wonder."  Be thankful.  These other things, too, shall pass.  If this year flies by like 2018...

This is January 4, Goobie's birthday - 1900.  I imagine she thought how fast the years passed, too.

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE

We napped - I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  Paul has a scratchy throat.  Oscar is resting up from Dexter being here and all the activity.  Lucy and Thelma ventured to the back door - Dexter, their nemesis, has gone home.

Busy three days.  Sunday Christmas dinner at Mike and Marsha's.  I got a  smoked turkey breast at Brooks; it was wonderful.  It's so big though, we ate about 2/3, I brought the rest of that side home and left the other side with Marsha.  Tender, smoked just right.

Monday - rested a good bit.  Amy came home late that night.

Tuesday, Christmas day - breakfast at Sandra and David's. Talked to Sher; she went to movie as is her custom - Mary Poppins.  Has turned all her TV, phone service disconnected but can use guest wifi till she leaves.  just a little over 2 more days for her.

Wednesday, rested a good bit.  Still in pjs.  Have not combed my hair, had eggs for brunch; fiddled with Christmas pictures and other odds and ends on computer.  Like the wind has gone out of the balloon.  It's overcast and had rained some last night, but about 45 degrees.

Oh - Sunday - mine and Paul's 50th anniversary!!  Sunday School and church (learned that Joy and Ben's anniversary is same day/year as ours).  Cantata during worship service - so pretty.  Afterward Paul and I went to the front and stood for a little while, a quick kiss, same place we started out 50 years ago.

Good Christmas dinner - roast; Charlotte came.  Then we opened gifts and Paul hit the jackpot with Dallas Cowboys shirts.  Matt got me a pretty necklace; Amy - pretty sparkly earrings.  They liked their Smartwool socks and scarf.  They left about 7:30 and Paul and I waited up till she let us know they were home.

I was blessed with energy during the holidays and am thankful.  I think I need another nap soon.

At Mike and Marsha's Sunday.

Christmas Breakfast Tuesday at David and Sandra's.

Jae (plaid shirt) and Jess (left) had to leave just after breakfast.  She's working night shift at the hospital and had only had an hour's rest before coming to her dad's.  She looked pale and tired.  

It's red checked shirt day again!

Billy and Jenni; David, Carol, Paul, Marianna, Amy, Tommy, Matt.  Sandra and I are in front.  

Sher will be here in a week!  And for two weeks, then to Melanie's for about 2 weeks also check on her house in PC; then here for  as long as she wants to be in a teeny tiny town after DC!  She may be a snowbird, spending winters in PC.  But it'll be nice having her near.  She's going to give me art lessons.  

A scary thing happened to Dexter (Amy's dog) the night of the 21st I think - he had a seizure; she took him to the animal hospital and they kept him overnight.  His blood work was fine; it could be a one time occurence or it could be onset of epilepsy.  (Jenni, the vet in our family) said he was a little old to have that; it may have been caused by stress even.  He was fine here all weekend.  Love that little bit.  

Amy and Matt liked the T shirts with Oscar's picture on the front I had made for them. River Raggs did a quick and good job!