There is no excuse for not doing things I used to love. I may have become 1) Lazy; 2) Complacent; 3) Depleted of all creativity; 4) Dry of any Spiritual Water.
During the last year of COVID it has become so easy to be lazy, wear pjs all day, bathe every other day, order groceries online, go to church online, sleep later, have no appointments other than doctors' and I try to make those for at least afternoon. Complacency has taken root where I used to mind if things were in a mess or greasy or funky, now it seems not to make any difference. Although I do have house help and she's wonderful. I have to say I did ask her to wash inside windows this past week. (I washed all the sheers. Except for the two back room windows (my two rooms) - the windows that are so hard to get to. I cleaned 2 chest drawers and finally unstacked a laundry basket of sweatshirts, old linens and pillows piled high. Two weeks ago I cleaned in my computer room. It's neater and looks better. It seems I have to get all the "important" things done which really do not matter before I "feed my creativity and seek God for spiritual food.")
My dear sister is a whirling dervish of creative ideas - one of our brothers showed her how to miter corners to trim some cabinet doors and she did that for 14 doors. She has painted her grandson and his dog's portrait for her daughter's birthday. She and her 80 year old neighbor are building a rock wall (finding the rocks in the woods behind his house.) And I sit and hurt and am fatigued. My sewing interest is hindered by aching, screaming hot pain in my mid back. I read, but my eyes are blurry. My Oxervate eye drops treatment will be done in 3 days! Then finish up with new glasses, hoping they help. Hoping my eye nerve damage is healed. So, anyway, there are all these "health" things I deal with and don't feel like doing squat. How did I not get any "energy genes," or "wellness genes." Why did I have to take all these meds? And I have no answer, except that God has a plan for me.
I read FB group comments about Verse Mapping, Bible Journaling. I like collecting all the "ingredients"- pens, notebooks, Bibles, sticky notes, highlighters. Then no enthusiasm to do anything with them. I'm just so tired.
I did go to Sunday School class lunch last week; there were 7 of us. I realized how much I miss seeing them, and a structured Bible Study. I miss Sunday School and church. Though church, and I'm not being disrespectful and I don't mean to be dishonoring in any way, but preaching "at" me just makes me feel worse. I already have enough trouble with false guilt as well as real sin guilt, and I just want to be "taught," not preached at in a loud voice. So. Maybe I'm just old - well I am that - but I just want peace and quiet. I just want to be able to do the few things I enjoy and have enjoyed all my life - writing, reading, scribbling, doodling, quilting, sewing, playing at "art" in my own way.
I'm angry a lot. Anger and frustration are my constant states of mind. Except when I go to Dear Sister's (DS). Then I usually feel like myself, who I was before the fatigue, the pain, the complacency, the feeling of not being myself. Not always, but it seems as if my 17 year old self has come out of hiding and I don't feel the fatigue and pan. (I do have it later when I get back home and my Naproxen has worn off). I feel as if I've lost part of - a big part of - myself especially these last 2 years. P and I have aged so much in the last 2 years. It's hard for him to work in the yard. I can get up the back steps (4) better than he can; he's so out of breath. His cancer treatment, Afib, my pacemaker, broken arm, horribly injured leg; losing our furbaby; losing our grand furbaby; losing a good bit of mobility.
Okay. So now here are some things to be grateful for:
I can type and keep a journal.
I can write.
I still have a love of words and all the accoutrements that go with writing, doodling. So many pens, notebooks. They are my toys.
I can drive.
I have Paul, Amy.
I can go to the grocery store. Dollar General. We've been out to eat a few times.
We've had our COVID vaccinations.
Amy is in her new house. (What a stressful time that was.)
I have so many good friends.
We have family nearby.
Why do I feel as if I've lost part of myself? What part is that? Is it only the energy and the ability to work in the yard, for example? To move, carry and lift things? To be able to walk for any distance? To have balance and not feel as if I'm going to fall? (That's from falling and the accident in September, I'm sure; or a lot of it. Fear of falling.) To dread doing things because I won't feel like doing them? Have the energy to do them? Have the breath to do them? I miss me. I miss who I used to be. I haven't accepted this old person who has moved into my body. I'm not comfortable with her. I'm startled by her. I look at my once beautiful eyes (I always thought my best feature) and now the lashes are short, they are tired and often red, and can't see like they used to.
OK
I still have the desire to search Scripture and study and learn. I know satan keeps me from doing that and other "lovely" things.
I still have the desire to want to play with paints, colors, pens, papers, journals.
Why am I waiting for perfection? I won't be what I once was. I won't every be as young as I was even a minute ago.
I AM thankful for what I can do and who I used to be.
I just feel as if I've lost part of myself.
How do I feel whole again? Will I? Yes, in Heaven. I hope God has a zabillion colored pens and a stack of notebooks to the second universe. And Oscar. I want to see him there. And Mama, Goobie, Papa, Teri, Richard, Mama Nick, Daddy Nick, Aunt Ginny, David. And Jesus.
My whole body grieves the losses. I suppose that's why I don't feel like myself. So many parts of myself and who I was and whom I loved have already gone. I have those empty spaces in my heart and soul. I can see myself going down that hard road, experiencing the same losses they did, and it's hard to watch.
Maybe the next time I show up here I'll have something more "uplifting" to write about.
15 minutes later:
And so, just like God, He shows up in a Bible passage:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
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